NooYawkGurrl

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I was recently listening to a comedy routine that was on Joe Rogan's website: joerogan.net/  He addressed the issue of how suicide-bombers for the Jihad will blow themselves up with explosives for the promise of having 72 virgins await them in Allah's paradise.  I laughed my ass off hearing him state that only men would be stupid enough to blow themselves up for the hypothetical possibility of getting pussy in another dimension!  How true.... so I got to thinking about this whole asinine "72 virgins" thing... and I GOTTA put my two-cents in one this one!

Why the number 72???  Why not 10, or 112, or 57.5?  Why even have a finite number?  I mean, if the sole attracting aspect of this great and heavenly reward to be received upon blowing yourself to smithereens is the fact that these women are virgins, than why a fixed amount???  This implies that one day in Paradise, the suicide-bomber will eventually find himself saying "Great mounds of donkey dung, I am down to my last virgin!", as he smacks his forehead like he forgot to have a V8.  Based by most guys I know, this should happen approximately within the first 72 days spent in Paradise, maybe even sooner.

In honor of this theory, I made up a little ditty about the inevitable.  Remember that song we all used to sing on the school bus, driving the bus driver and the teachers out of thier minds every time we went on a school field trip?  You know the one... "99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall."  Well, I changed it up a bit:



And so on and so on.  I would love to sing this with a potential suicide-bomber (I will call him Habeeb) and watch the expression on his face when he gets down to the inevitable of the last verse.  OOPS -- perhaps you should have done your math, my stupid, horny friend.

But, ah-ha, Habeeb may say, who says that these women will disappear after the initial penetration?  Alright then, let's suppose these virgins are still remaining, accessible, warm, but not-so-fresh.  If Habeeb can tolerate it, he may have more than one go at a used gal.  Okay, I'll give him that.  This basically means he will be spending eternity with 72 women...

ETERNITY.  This translates to 72 women to please and support.  72 women with bouts of PMS.  72 women to nag you about your lazy ass and why you don't take them out anymore, all you wanna do is fuck all day, what am I, a piece of meat, fuck you, I'm sleeping on the camel tonight.

Let's face it... Allah may have been just a LITTLE bit vague on the details here, dontcha think?  And let's not forget that nowhere has the issue of pregnancy been addressed.  I mean if you can fuck and fornicate in Paradise, than surely you can reproduce.  So Habeeb may be the father of at least 72 children, probably more.  Oh my, that's a lot of noise and shitty diapers.

And just what do these virgins look like?  Again, no details.  How does one know that these virgins aren't fat, old, wrinkled, hairy, mustache-bearing, hook-nosed, crossed-eyed, body-odored, bad-breathed, toothless, club-footed... whatever, name your turn-off.  In fact, I would guess the odds are for these women being skanky lesbians, because who else, after all, would leave this earthly realm and enter the Kingdom Of Paradise still virginally intact except for women that no man wanted to fuck here in the first place???  Hmmm... just a little something to consider.

Also, there is no mention of other male company for Habeeb to spend the eternal with.  Just these 72 women.  What guy would not go completely insane if all he heard all day long was the conversations of 72 women around him at all times?  I can hear it now:



Oh, boy, if that ain't a pitching-a-tent-in-my-pants, sexy-liscious situation.

So, it seems to me that Allah has promised these gullible fools nothing more than 72 wives that never die.  When you put it that way, I don't think you will hear a resounding male-chorus of "Where do I sign up?"  And although I do not buy one iota of this "72 Virgins In Paradise" crap in the first place, it is still funny as hell to speculate on poor, schmucky Habeeb stuck in the company of 72 women with thick ankles and PMS... forever.